Why Loneliness Is Not Always About Being Alone: The Psychology of Social Disconnection

Diana-Irina Iordache holds an MSc in Forensic Psychology from Goldsmiths, University of London. Her academic and public-facing work explores trauma, adverse childhood experiences, attachment, personality, social isolation, loneliness, threat-related thinking, and behavioural outcomes.

LONGEVITY

Diana-Irina Iordache, MSc Forensic Psychology Goldsmiths, University of London

10/11/20264 min read

Introduction

Loneliness and social isolation are often treated as if they mean the same thing. They do not. A person can spend substantial time alone without feeling lonely, while another can be surrounded by classmates, colleagues, friends, or online contacts and still experience a painful sense of disconnection. This distinction became especially visible during the COVID-19 pandemic, when disruption to ordinary social life brought questions about connection, isolation, and mental health into everyday conversation.

My literature-review work on social isolation, loneliness, and adolescent mental health examined these questions through evidence from the pandemic and considered what those lessons may mean in the digital age. Although adolescence was the central developmental context of that project, its broader message is relevant to wellbeing more generally: meaningful connection depends on more than simply having people around us.

Loneliness Is a Subjective Experience

Social isolation can be understood more objectively, in terms of limited social contact or participation. Loneliness is subjective: it reflects a perceived lack of the connection a person wants. This helps explain why counting friends, messages, or social interactions cannot tell us by itself whether someone feels socially connected.

For adolescents, the distinction is particularly important because peer relationships, belonging, and increasing independence become highly salient during development. Loades et al. (2020) reviewed 83 articles representing 80 studies and found evidence linking social isolation and loneliness in children and adolescents with depression and anxiety. Their review also indicated that the duration of loneliness may be important, making prolonged disconnection particularly relevant to mental health.

What the Pandemic Taught Us About Connection

COVID-19 created an unusual context in which school routines, face-to-face friendships, activities, and ordinary peer contact were disrupted at the same time. My review uses this period not simply as a historical event, but as a way of asking what happens when the social structures supporting young people suddenly weaken.

The evidence also supports avoiding overly simple causal claims. Loneliness is associated with anxiety and depression in young people, but the relationship can be complex and mutually reinforcing. A later synthesis by Pearce et al. (2021) identified loneliness as a potentially important target in efforts to prevent or alleviate youth anxiety and depression. This strengthens the case for treating meaningful social connection as part of mental wellbeing rather than as an optional extra.

Digital Contact Is Not Simply Good or Bad

One of the most important lessons for the digital age is that online communication should not be reduced to a simple “screen time is bad” message. During periods of physical separation, digital platforms could provide continuity: friends could talk, families could remain connected, and young people could maintain parts of their social worlds.

At the same time, online contact does not automatically create belonging. Odgers and Jensen (2020) found that research on digital technology and adolescent mental health produced mixed and generally small associations, with much of the evidence correlational. Orben (2020) likewise cautioned against broad conclusions that treat all digital technology use as equivalent. The more useful question is therefore not only how long someone is online, but what their online experiences are doing for them.

Quality Can Matter More Than Quantity

Someone may have hundreds of online connections and still feel that nobody really knows them. Another person may have a small social network but experience those relationships as secure and supportive. This is why responses to loneliness cannot focus only on increasing the number of interactions.

Meaningful connection may involve feeling understood, being able to seek support, sharing interests, experiencing reciprocity, and having repeated opportunities to interact. School routines, peer groups, family relationships, hobbies, and community activities can all provide structures through which this type of connection develops.

Routine, Family Support, and Activity Matter Too

My review also considers social connection alongside family support, daily routines, and physical activity rather than treating loneliness as an isolated variable. During adolescence, these systems overlap. Losing school attendance may mean losing not only education, but regular peer contact, movement, structure, and access to trusted adults.

That broader perspective remains useful beyond the pandemic. When wellbeing declines, asking only whether someone “socialises enough” may miss important parts of the picture. More informative questions include whether they have dependable relationships, opportunities for meaningful activity, a workable routine, and places where they experience belonging.

Why Being Surrounded by People May Not Solve Loneliness

Telling a lonely person to “get out more” assumes that proximity is the same as connection. It is not. A person can attend social events and still feel peripheral, misunderstood, or unable to be themselves. Increasing social exposure without improving the quality or fit of those interactions may therefore fail to address the underlying experience.

A more useful approach is to identify what is missing. Is it companionship, emotional intimacy, shared interests, regular contact, or a sense of being valued? Thinking about the unmet social need can make the response more specific than simply trying to increase the number of people around someone.

Building Connection in the Digital Age

The pandemic intensified social disruption, but the central challenge did not disappear when restrictions ended. Digital communication is now embedded in everyday relationships. The task is not to choose between online and offline life, but to use both in ways that support meaningful connection.

Practical steps can be modest: maintaining regular contact with one or two supportive people, returning to a shared activity, joining a group organised around a genuine interest, protecting face-to-face time where possible, or noticing whether online interactions leave us feeling connected or more excluded. For adolescents, families, schools, and communities can also help by protecting opportunities for peer connection, routine, and participation.

Connection Is More Than Contact

The lasting lesson from research on loneliness is that social wellbeing cannot be measured simply by whether a person is physically alone. Loneliness concerns the experience of connection. The COVID-19 pandemic made the consequences of disrupted social life unusually visible, particularly for young people, but it also clarified something that remains relevant in the digital age: contact is most meaningful when it carries belonging, support, and a sense of being understood.

Connect with us

Get in touch with us for questions or collaboration inquiries.

Contact

Editorial & general inquiries:

info@nodrae.com

NODRAE

An independent wellness publication exploring longevity, nutrition, and lifestyle factors that support long-term health.

Our content is research-informed and created for informational purposes only.